Run, Hilary, Run

Today while I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Girls Gone Child, she discussed some emotion-provoking things. Now, as a general rule, I avoid letting my emotions guide my decisions. However, being human, and female, I sometimes fail. She discuses her nostalgia resulting from the moment that mommy-her and young woman-her collide while costume shopping for her kids. Like in the movies, when Dopplegangers collide, the world explodes, and hers most certainly did. This post left me overrun with feeling, a state I prefer not to find myself.

I believe there are two types of nostalgia; the good and the bad. The good kind comes when you think of playing favorite games with your best friend when you were seven (Kath and I could play Barbie vs. My Little Ponies Armageddon Is Coming from sun up until sun down. We were able to make weapons out of clothing that would amaze even the most hardened criminal), the way the house smelled when your mom cooked Sunday dinner (neither my sister nor I could ever recreate those smells because mom could pick up a can of coconut milk at the store, pull some questionable milk out of the refrigerator, find cornmeal in the cupboard and make a seven-course meal...ask Kath!), and what Gram and Gramp smelled like when you gave them a hug (Gram smelled like her cream foundation, soap, and Certs and Gramp like tar from putting in driveways all day). The bad kind comes when you see something that reminds you of friends you once knew in college or find yourself driving by a common hangout from your 20's and are instantly transported back to that place in your life when you were a completely different person. I wanted to move to England, get a job waiting tables, and fill my small apartment with crappy, second-hand furniture. I wanted to travel around the world completely by myself. In the Girls Gone Child blog, she writes about how she never imagined she'd find herself in the position she currently is; with two kids, a wedding ring on her finger, and a permanent residence. I completely agree.

I always wanted to run away; as far and as fast as I possibly could. I never really tried though, and sometimes still today I feel that need to run creeping through me. I set the stage with Jeremy, telling him that I feel the need to get away, that I'm antsy and feel trapped. The whole time I'm imagining packing up Giovanna and myself and heading into the world; two girls off to grow up on the road. We'll meet thousands of people that will teach us thousands of things; ancient family secrets about living healthy, about being minimalists. We'll learn how to cure headaches with thought, grow berries in an old pair of pants, approach a wild wolf and make him our pet, and cure Giovanna's allergies from having a pet wolf with cream made from our ground up pants berries and the wolf's urine. Yes, we had a lot of exploring to do.

Then, my thoughts are interrupted by my daughter squealing "dada, dada" as she runs around the corner slamming into Jeremy's lap. He asks me what he can do to make me feel comfortable again, rubs my feet with Giovanna's help, all while I sip my apple cider that he's steamed for me to help calm my headache. All of this gets me thinking, maybe I should let me emotions get the better of me. Maybe it's time for mommy-me and young woman-me to meet. I think young woman-me needs a good, hard talking-to. I don't think you ever forget the memories linked to your desires as a young woman, but there comes a time when you realize maybe you weren't right. Maybe you don't really need to know how to cure headaches with the power of positive thinking, or need to domesticate your own wolf, or be taught how to grow pants berries. I mean, I'm sure if I just spent a little extra time on it, I could probably figure out how to grow my own. And if I can't, isn't that what the internet is for?

I'm not sure if I'll ever lose the urge to run, but I need to believe that you reach a time in your life where you realize that running away isn't the only directional option, and alone isn't necessarily the only way to travel. I'll concede that my desire to just go may not be quelled by a tourister's weekend dash through "The Many Ancient Wonders of Rome", but a month in Italy's Tuscany on a mo-ped leasing a small apartment with Jeremy may be just what young woman-me needs.

Here I go, here I go, here I go again..what's my weakness? um...blogging?

Ok...so this is the beginning of my blogging experience. I'll start by outlining some important information about myself.

1. I'm highly unreliable. Not because I don't WANT to be reliable, but more because I get very ADD/ADHD about daily activities. If you were to follow me around for a day (good luck...) you would see the problems I have with arriving anywhere on time and/or when expected. I start out noticing some dust on the television screen and before I know it I've rearranged the bedroom furniture, washed all the curtains in the house, and repainted the window sills, and HAD to stop off and buy a new pair of jeans because...let's be honest...the ones I have just show/don't show off how much weight I've gained/lost. As my best friend Kath put it once, "I know you're going to be there eventually, but don't really worry about brushing my teeth or taking a shower until a couple hours after the time you've told me". The funny thing about this is that I truly had no idea I was as bad as I really was. I figured I was about 70%/30% punctual and reliable not/not. It's good to have somebody who knows you better than you know yourself.

2. I LOVE DINOSAURS. I have had an ongoing love affair with the prehistoric beasts since I was seven. I love dinosaurs in the way that sociopath children love fire. As soon as something dinosaur-related comes on the scene, I stop talking/hearing/seeing anything other than said dinosaur item. Don't even TRY to get me to remember you exist when Walking with the Dinosaurs comes on television. Just to further illustrate my love and devotion, perhaps addiction is more appropriate a term, to all things dinosaur, I actually have on long-term loan the Walking with the Dinosaurs VHS set. I borrowed it from a small boy. I'm hoping that the small boy's equal devotion to sports indicates an unspoken "gifting" of the VHS set to me on a permanent basis. Basically I'm confessing to you that I stole a dinosaur VHS set from a little boy. Yes...addiction may be a better term.

3. I love my family and best friend so much that not being near them is slow, determined torture. If we could move closer to them, I'd pack up tomorrow...ok I probably wouldn't wait that long. When my husband looks online at other companies closer to family and Kath (the best friend), I actually start looking for houses to buy online right next to him. I never imagined a life without these people all up in my business everyday, so having that be my reality is a little more than I can comprehend on a daily basis. I actually pretend that I'm only down here until I get this degree, and when that's done we'll move back home. I bet if I actually admitted this was our home then I'd make a friend or two, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

4. I love my daughter Giovanna so much. She rocks. Everything she does is amazing to me, and I think all of the people we encounter everyday should feel the same way. When she waves to you...you'd BETTER wave back, and think that it's the cutest dang wave you've ever seen...no other kid waves quite like that, with those fingers and that hand and that smile... Because of this, I don't think your kid is quite as cute or clever. I totally understand how moms and dads of ugly or stupid children can still think their kid(s) are incredible. I never quite understood how moms would still send pictures of their hairy, bushy-eyebrowed, buggy-eyed kids into beautiful baby contests until I had my own. I can't wait to see what this next kid looks like! Although, I'm not in too big a hurry. Two kids is WAY more work than one.

5. I'm beginning to come to terms with the idea that I will NEVER have a real job. Each time I start a degree, I find twenty reasons why I should change my path, and not just a small change...like from studying Art Education to studying Art History...but HUGE changes...like changing from English Education to Fine Arts Painting to Modern Foreign Languages to Molecular Cellular Biology to Philosophy (and for the record I truly have had all of those majors. I finally settled on Molecular Cellular Biology and Pre-Medicine). I now am here finishing up my Masters in Public Health and a Registered Nursing degree. I'll be continuing on as either a Midwife or Nurse Practitioner in Family Medicine, most likely the latter because I cannot wait to go to my children's events. I don't want to have to stop yelling to Giovanna, "OTHER GOAL HONEY...TURN AROUND! YOUR GOAL IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FIELD!", to go and deliver some woman's baby.

Well, that's a good chunk of who I am and an introduction into my world. I'm actually really looking forward to blogging because I always read about how woman bloggers go to fun mommy blogging events, and I'd like to someday attend one. Writing a blog entry is all it takes right? I should probably get my invitation any day now...